How can I give constructive feedback without hurting feelings?

I recently stepped into a team lead role at a mid-sized tech company, and while I feel comfortable managing projects, I absolutely dread giving feedback. I know it's part of the job, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I either soften my feedback so much that it is useless, or I avoid saying anything at all and hope the issue fixes itself. When I do give feedback, I find myself rambling or over-explaining, and by the end of the conversation, I'm literally praising them for the thing I initially needed them to change. I don't even understand how I do that! But I know I need to be able to give feedback in order to be a good manager.

How do I give constructive feedback without feeling like a total villain?

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Welcome to one of the hardest parts of management: telling people they need to improve without making it weird.

The worst part is that no one ever really teaches you how to do it well. But the thing is that feedback is not about tearing someone down. It is about helping them improve and succeed. And the more you do it, the easier it gets.

So, let’s take the awkwardness out of it and turn you into a feedback pro. Feedback helps people grow, prevents small issues from becoming big problems, and shows your team that you care about their success by helping them improve and that you're paying enough attention to catch mistakes.

Here is how to do it without sounding like a monster:

1. Focus On How to Improve, Not the Issue. Don't go into depth or take time pouring over the error, mistake or failing of your staff member. Focus the majority of your conversation on what to do better in the future; NOT what they did wrong.

2. Ditch the Compliment Sandwich. Saying, "You are great, but here is a problem, but also you are great" confuses people. Be clear and direct while still being kind.

3. Make It About the Work, Not the Person. Instead of saying, "You are too slow at responding to emails," try "I noticed emails are taking longer than expected to get responses. What is blocking that?" This keeps it constructive and solution-oriented.

4. Do It Early and Often. The longer you wait, the weirder it gets. Giving small course corrections along the way prevents one big, awkward conversation down the road.

5. Invite Dialogue. Ask questions, get their perspective, and make it a two-way conversation. People are more likely to accept feedback when they feel heard.

   
   

I've seen managers on every side of the spectrum give feedback. Some of them loved providing "helpful feedback" on things they had no business providing feedback on; others gave no feedback at all. Land somewhere in the middle. With some time and practice, you'll be handing out constructive feedback like a pro!

How do I learn to manage with no management experience?

I was promoted to a middle management position at a non-profit after six years in the industry. They did not provide me with any training, but I have read two books on management and listened to a few leadership podcasts, so I thought I would be somewhat prepared. I was wrong. I went from being great at my job to having to lead people, and I have no idea what I am doing. My team keeps looking at me for direction, but I am just hoping no one notices that I am making it up as I go. How do I go from overwhelmed to confident without totally screwing this up?

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Ah, yes. The classic "Congratulations, you're a manager now, please figure it out" scenario. I have totally been there, along with hundreds of thousands of others. You are not alone. Most people are promoted because they are great at what they do, not because they have been trained to lead. Then suddenly, they are expected to run a team, have difficult conversations, and keep the ship afloat, all while battling imposter syndrome.

Want to know a secret? No one in the history of the world started their first management position as a good manager. Why? Because they'd never done it before! It doesn't matter how many books or courses or podcasts you consume. The majority of your management skills are going to come from experience...unfortunately.

But. There are a few things you can do in the meantime to help you stay sane and get through it. Here are my top tips for a new manager:

1. Drop the "Cool Boss" vs. "Strict Boss" Debate. You don't have to choose between being everyone's best friend or a corporate overlord. The best managers set clear expectations, treat their team with respect, and make decisions that serve the whole group.

2. Figure Out Your Managerial Mindset. The shift from individual contributor to leader is a big one. Your success is no longer about your output; it is about how you support and develop your team. Delegation, trust, and communication are your new best friends.

3. Start with the Basics. Do one-on-one meetings, set expectations clearly, and learn how to give feedback without being awkward. You do not need to have all the answers, but you do need to be present, reliable, and willing to learn.

4. Expect Mistakes. You are going to mess up. Your team will too. What matters is how you handle those mistakes. Take accountability, learn from them, and move on. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your team. You're all just human.

You will not magically feel like you have it all together overnight, but confidence comes from experience. Give yourself some grace, take it one day at a time, and remember: Everyone is winging it. Even people like Jeff Bezos. Just winging it. Every day. You can wing it too. Until one day you feel like you've got it.

How do I manage up?

I've been in my current role for three years and was recently promoted to a management position. Yay! I absolutely love my team, but I'm struggling to get my boss to take me seriously (despite being the one to promote me). If I bring up ideas in meetings, they get dismissed. I ask for resources and my boss says she will think about it and then I never hear back. I have tried being proactive and bringing solutions, but my boss and some of the leadership team still seem to overlook me. I feel like I am shouting into the void.

How do I get my boss to actually listen and see me as a member of management?

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Oh, I've totally been there and it sucks! I can't imagine how hard it must be to try to navigate a new role without the support of your boss. But listen, even though it may take some time and work on your part to position yourself as a valuable member of the management team, it's doable. You're new to management so here is one of your first lessons: it's a different ballgame. Before, when you needed something, you'd just ask. But now you can't just ask. You have to justify. You have to speak words they care about. You have to catch them at the right time. You have to almost be a mind reader! Okay, not quite.

But here is exactly how to communicate to upper management to make them listen:

1. Speak Their Language. Senior leaders care about big-picture impact, not the day-to-day details. If you want buy-in, frame your ideas in terms of business outcomes: "This will save us time/money" or "This will improve efficiency by X%."

2. Be the Solution, Not the Complaint. If you bring up a problem, also bring a potential solution. Leaders love people who solve problems, not just point them out.

3. Anticipate Their Priorities. Pay attention to what they talk about in meetings and align your ideas with those priorities. If they care about cutting costs, show how your idea saves money. If they are focused on innovation, highlight the fresh approach.

4. Make Your Ask Clear. Do not just "float an idea" and hope they pick it up. Say, "I would love your support on this. Can we discuss next steps?" Be direct, but not pushy.

   
   

Managing up is all about making your bosses life easier. When you start doing that, they'll take notice, and you'll be able to get the resources you need to be the kick-ass manager I know you can be!